O she said to hear the violin
For that was the sound she so wished to hear
Once long ago she had heard it and she had never
forgotten
Yet she had never before spoken of it
Until once as evening fell the chill deepening
the house empty but for her she spoke at last
O to hear the violin
Her lips hardly moving her head bowed
Somewhere in her empty house was the room where
she had heard the violin so long ago
By whose hands the violin was played she no longer
recalled only that they were very pale and moved with such grace
that she felt in her heart some feeling she had never felt before or
since
Hands before or since those she saw upon the violin
never moved with such grace
O she said to see again those pale hands moving
Her own hands were pale and still and rested upon
the arms of her chair
So pale and still were her hands that they
might be mistaken for the hands of a corpse for they resembled the
hands of someone who has passed from this life yet remains frozen in the
attitude of their last moment
In her chair by the window her ancient visage
turned from what little light fell through the heavy curtains her head
bowed as though in prayer or supplication
It had been a loved one who had played
the violin of that she felt sure
When all else about her seemed so uncertain she
held on to that dim understanding
Not really knowing if it were true
Some loved one she had forgotten
So many times through the long years she had closed
her eyes her head bowed as though in prayer or supplication hoping to hear
the
violin
As if somewhere in her mind the sound remained
unchanged and unchanging
But she heard nothing
Yet the violin remained so fixed in her mind if
not the actual sound it made then its effect which had been so profound
as to last so long
For so long had passed
The room had been almost in darkness then as her
room was almost in darkness now and yet somehow she had seen those pale
hands
Perhaps it had been evening and they were caught
in the dying light
As her hands were now caught
Whom had she loved?
To this question none of her memories would answer
for she had never wished to love or be loved nor had she sought
any solace from what she considered the tasks of her life
Yet she knew even now that never wishing to be
loved did not mean that she had not been loved
She felt certain that if she had been loved she
had not returned that love
For she had no recollection of loving
The tasks of her life had been such as to engage
her completely
She understood that she had attended to these
tasks in solitude
She had always been alone
Regarding this fact she had no feeling or opinion
For such had been her life and could not be
changed
Hers had been a solitary life and had remained
one
Other matters and their importance other people
and their tasks were dim shades that played about her in a dance
the music of which she never heard
As to her tasks themselves she had now only a
dim recollection but she felt certain they concerned themselves with the
nursing of her mother who had the ill fortune of being unsound of mind
and
of body and upon whom great amounts of time and effort were spent in
maintaining her comfort such as it was
She did not consider her mother a loved one
Of her passing away she recalled only that it
was considered a blessed relief for her as well as for those who
had tended her for she had lingered in her painful state to an age well
beyond what she might have been expected to reach
Those who had tended her mother had themselves
grown old and she seemed to recall them stooped over the dead woman's grave
not in grief but out of weariness
She thought that those who had tended her mother
were few in number though she could not now remember how many there were
exactly only that they were now all passed away and that she felt
they were no great loss
None of them were loved ones
And yet the thought persisted that there had
been one
One who had loved her
One she had not loved in return
For even now after so long had passed since the
evening those pale hands had been caught in the failing light she
felt again in her heart some feeling she had never felt before
or since
To know who that loved one might have been
If loved one could mean one loving and not
loved
To remember who it was
That was her wish
For now in the dim light of her failing mind this
one she did not love but who had loved her was one she wished to recognise
For perhaps to recognise was to love
She did not know
Perhaps it had been a child though she
could recall no children
The child did not need to be her own for children
can enter the lives of the childless
There were times now and then when she thought
she remembered the soft orb of an infant's skull cupped in her hands
or resting in the crook of her arm
She remembered nothing else of the child
if ever there had been one
Her own child or another's
A child who loved her and played the violin
for her
A child whose love she had not returned
Nothing she said softly
If only she had been able to rise from her chair
she would have found her way along the darkened hallways and visited everyroom
of the house for she thought that perhaps even now she might be
able to recognise it
Perhaps in some room the evening light was falling
through the window as it had fallen that evening the violin was
played
She thought that if only she could see that light
falling in the empty room she might be able to recall this loved
one and hear again theviolin
But to rise from her chair was something that
she dimly understood was not possible though why it was not possible
she did not know
Nor did she understand how she managed to live
from day to day without moving from her chair and with no one tending
to what needs she knew she must have though even these were beyond her
memory or understanding
Unless there was someone she could not recall
nor whom she expected who in fact did tend to her needs whatever they were
She imagined that her needs were meagre
Perhaps the child she did not love and could not
remember who had played the violin for her so long ago was the one who
now tended to her meagre needs
A child now old and stooped with weariness
expecting
no love in return for the love they expressed
There was so much she did not know and
of that much she was certain which was at least a source of comfort to
her no matter howsmall
On occasion the thought had occurred to her that
her life such as it was and how it continued was not something she could
any longer hope to understand
For she was of sufficient mind to think such thoughts
Yet there lingered certain doubts as to her state
of mind which she understood to be frail
For she felt frail of mind
But for the certainty of the violin which she
had heard so long ago and wished to hear again
It was a wish that in the midst of so much uncertainty
she knew would not be fulfilled
And yet still she wished it
Until her strength such as it was failed her and
she felt she could wish no longer
For even to wish was something that tested the
limits of her strength which was less than enough
And so she lifted her hands from the arms of her
chair as if to call a halt to call a halt at last
At last she said softly
Putting an end to the love she knew or did not
know
The love offered and not returned
If ever it had been so
At last she said
Her pale hands trembling in the last of the
light